Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different put where by American men can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump Tower Damascus Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a function being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

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  A silent atrium in which attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment

  
  


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  A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

  
  

Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advert campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

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  34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

  
  


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  29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

  
  

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is by now attracting notice from Global buyers, such as:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also include things like:

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  A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

  
  


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  A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

  
  


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  And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War